Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Foresight Anxiety
I’m the sort of person who dwells in her friends problems, a lot. I am very close to all of my friends and so if they have something that is wrong, I will get out of my way to try and help them. And if I can’t help them I experience loss of sleep and large portions of my day are spent considering what could be changed to benefit their cause. I do this because I want my friends to be as happy as possible, even if it means that I have to set my goals and wants back, or have to cause myself to be unhappy. Stating this I will tell you about my conundrum:
My best friend is a boy (I get along better with boys, but I will make that a topic for another blog). We’ve been through all sorts of things together, good and bad... I know him like the back of my hand. He’s the sort of friend that I wouldn’t want to lose, no matter what. That I would deny all the valuables and goods in the world, to trade for him. But that’s just the thing… He’s my friend, and really that is all I want him to be. He wants more, of course.
We’ve dated a couple of times, and most times that we did the relationship would break because of me, because I continuously would conclude ‘We’re better off as friends’. And I’m sure that we are better off as friends, because we do make a great couple, but I’m afraid somehow we’d have a terrible breakup as boyfriend and girlfriend and just completely… destroy our friendship, I’ve seen and had it happen before, I’ve learned from my mistakes. But he can’t see it as I do, he thinks that we’re “perfect” and there’s no way in high hell that something like that would ever happen- My past experiences tell me otherwise. That is just one dilemma that I go through daily with him, besides that are the most inner conflicts.
As a comparison, we ARE NOT a good couple. I have straight A’s, and he does too, except for 7 F’s. His grades are terrible, and no matter what I do or say to help motivate him: he refuses. Because of an incident that happened a couple weeks ago (my best friend [when we were dating] beat the hell out of one of my other friends for saying something offending) I set him straight, I literally duct taped his hands behind his back and I held a baseball bat while I interrogated him about his behavior, if he gave me a vague or stupid answer he was hit. In front of witnesses I made him confess why he was so reckless, and why he did poorly in school. After hours we came to the revelation that he just “Wants to have fun”.
It hurts me, because I have done everything in my power to help him… And make him believe that he should be exceeding in school, and living healthy and safe so he has a better future. I never change his mind one bit. And so my attachment to him is starting to wither, because he never listens to me and he’s constantly hurting me with his careless behavior. A survival adaption is to stay away from the things that negatively affect you, right? I’m unsure as to if my decision is the proper one, because I’ve consulted him about how he thinks his actions make me feel, and he knows exactly, but he persists… I will never abandon him, that is something I could never do, not for all the money and goods in the world. But I’ve just got to quit caring as much, because if I keep letting him hurt me it is going to interfere with my progress in school and emotional well being… I just hope, that someday he’ll fall to earth and realize what a ditch he’s digging for himself… And I hope around that time I’ll still be around to pull him out…
My best friend is a boy (I get along better with boys, but I will make that a topic for another blog). We’ve been through all sorts of things together, good and bad... I know him like the back of my hand. He’s the sort of friend that I wouldn’t want to lose, no matter what. That I would deny all the valuables and goods in the world, to trade for him. But that’s just the thing… He’s my friend, and really that is all I want him to be. He wants more, of course.
We’ve dated a couple of times, and most times that we did the relationship would break because of me, because I continuously would conclude ‘We’re better off as friends’. And I’m sure that we are better off as friends, because we do make a great couple, but I’m afraid somehow we’d have a terrible breakup as boyfriend and girlfriend and just completely… destroy our friendship, I’ve seen and had it happen before, I’ve learned from my mistakes. But he can’t see it as I do, he thinks that we’re “perfect” and there’s no way in high hell that something like that would ever happen- My past experiences tell me otherwise. That is just one dilemma that I go through daily with him, besides that are the most inner conflicts.
As a comparison, we ARE NOT a good couple. I have straight A’s, and he does too, except for 7 F’s. His grades are terrible, and no matter what I do or say to help motivate him: he refuses. Because of an incident that happened a couple weeks ago (my best friend [when we were dating] beat the hell out of one of my other friends for saying something offending) I set him straight, I literally duct taped his hands behind his back and I held a baseball bat while I interrogated him about his behavior, if he gave me a vague or stupid answer he was hit. In front of witnesses I made him confess why he was so reckless, and why he did poorly in school. After hours we came to the revelation that he just “Wants to have fun”.
It hurts me, because I have done everything in my power to help him… And make him believe that he should be exceeding in school, and living healthy and safe so he has a better future. I never change his mind one bit. And so my attachment to him is starting to wither, because he never listens to me and he’s constantly hurting me with his careless behavior. A survival adaption is to stay away from the things that negatively affect you, right? I’m unsure as to if my decision is the proper one, because I’ve consulted him about how he thinks his actions make me feel, and he knows exactly, but he persists… I will never abandon him, that is something I could never do, not for all the money and goods in the world. But I’ve just got to quit caring as much, because if I keep letting him hurt me it is going to interfere with my progress in school and emotional well being… I just hope, that someday he’ll fall to earth and realize what a ditch he’s digging for himself… And I hope around that time I’ll still be around to pull him out…
--Cloud Envy.
5:19 PM
2 commented
5:19 PM
2 commented