Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Rage Ramble.
Distate and disgust cramp my stomach as I listen to the words being shouted out at me through the phone at my ear. I roll my eyes and bite at my lips in frustration; My tolerance for my mother is running thin as she continues to attempt to lay down the law. As soon as she stops to catch her breath I scream back at her with gusto not taking a chance at breathing (knowing that if I did she would quickly do the same thing I had done to her) My tongue lashes out and I hatefully give her my opinion as it was laced with profanities. I could hear her unnaproval of my choice vocabulary, however I didn’t care. I wasn’t mad, or angry, I was pissed.
The phone call ended as abruptly as it had began, before I knew it I sat myself at the kitchen table downing apple juice. I love apple juice, it calms me down greatly. While drinking the juice I contemplated on what had just happened and what I could have done better, criticizing myself on how ‘soft’ I had been with her… “Next time, I’ll do better,” I thought to myself. My little sister entered the kitchen only seconds after I had emptied my glass, her brow was quirked and her face expressed puzzlement. I tried to send her away with a flick of my hand, but she refused to go. I closed my eyes and groaned, I knew if I yelled at her I would only get in more trouble… Although the whole fight on the phone was because of the stocky girl that stood just feet away from me.
She released a grunt (which I say sounded extremely piglike) and pushed a chair aside at the table so she could sit herself upon it. As she sat down she positioned herself so she was directly in front of me. She examined my expressions and actions, trying to figure out what I was thinking and what had caused me to explode on the phone. Indeed she did not know, because as soon as the vocal works began I stepped outside and had shut the door so hard it shook the house and all of its inhabitants knew there was trouble afoot. There was trouble of course, But I wasn’t going to let anyone know about it… Oh no. I would go down and visit my mother this weekend like the court document said, and if the woman dared to raise her voice at me while I was in her presence I would double up my fists and lay down my own form of justice.
I hate visiting my mom, she’s a drunk. She never remembers anything when she is drunk as well as she gets very belligerent, I tire of wasting my time to go down there to ‘baby sit’ her. And because of that I haven’t been down there for three months, although I am supposed to visit every two weeks. I hate it, I hate her, I hate her house… And tomorrow when I am shipped off against my will to see her, My mind will be full of evil chaotic punishments that I can/ will throw upon her if she even dares to get under my skin. I naturally do not like people and I have never had much charisma unless it is called for to the most extreme of extents; And I daresay tomorrow will be interesting, my mom and I will tango around the house with fits of me shoving her face through drywall. ♥
The phone call ended as abruptly as it had began, before I knew it I sat myself at the kitchen table downing apple juice. I love apple juice, it calms me down greatly. While drinking the juice I contemplated on what had just happened and what I could have done better, criticizing myself on how ‘soft’ I had been with her… “Next time, I’ll do better,” I thought to myself. My little sister entered the kitchen only seconds after I had emptied my glass, her brow was quirked and her face expressed puzzlement. I tried to send her away with a flick of my hand, but she refused to go. I closed my eyes and groaned, I knew if I yelled at her I would only get in more trouble… Although the whole fight on the phone was because of the stocky girl that stood just feet away from me.
She released a grunt (which I say sounded extremely piglike) and pushed a chair aside at the table so she could sit herself upon it. As she sat down she positioned herself so she was directly in front of me. She examined my expressions and actions, trying to figure out what I was thinking and what had caused me to explode on the phone. Indeed she did not know, because as soon as the vocal works began I stepped outside and had shut the door so hard it shook the house and all of its inhabitants knew there was trouble afoot. There was trouble of course, But I wasn’t going to let anyone know about it… Oh no. I would go down and visit my mother this weekend like the court document said, and if the woman dared to raise her voice at me while I was in her presence I would double up my fists and lay down my own form of justice.
I hate visiting my mom, she’s a drunk. She never remembers anything when she is drunk as well as she gets very belligerent, I tire of wasting my time to go down there to ‘baby sit’ her. And because of that I haven’t been down there for three months, although I am supposed to visit every two weeks. I hate it, I hate her, I hate her house… And tomorrow when I am shipped off against my will to see her, My mind will be full of evil chaotic punishments that I can/ will throw upon her if she even dares to get under my skin. I naturally do not like people and I have never had much charisma unless it is called for to the most extreme of extents; And I daresay tomorrow will be interesting, my mom and I will tango around the house with fits of me shoving her face through drywall. ♥
Labels: cell phone, fighting, hatred, mom, mother, parentage, rivalry, siblings, text war
--Cloud Envy.
8:47 AM
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8:47 AM
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Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Can't Have Both.
“You don’t get your permit this summer do you?” Asked my grandma, her eyes nervously flashed back at me through the rear view mirror. “I sure do!” I replied with a bubbly air to my voice and a sparkle to my eye. The car’s passengers all exhaled a moan or a grunt at my exclamation (except for me of course) and the air had an electric feel. I didn’t care much for their disappointment; I’m a good driver. But I reflected back at what I had said and it dawned on me: I am getting my permit this summer.
I remember back to the days when I was in elementary and I daydreamed what it would be like when I could finally drive… Or all the times when I was a preteen and I had to push my parents buttons to get them to take me somewhere. And now freedom of the road was only half a year away. I was excited and gloomy all at once because of this realization. Excited because I no longer would have to beg and moan to be taken somewhere, when I had keys in my pocket and a mental map (let alone cash to pay for the remarkable gas prices). However I was gloomy considering how much I have matured since the days when this feat was only something to be dreamed for, a fantasy it seemed like. But, when did I get old? Where did all the time go?
It has been years since I sat in an elementary classroom afraid of boys and their cooties, and anticipating the day when I could drive. Now I embrace those cootie infested boys multiple times a day, and the date when I am given a set of keys looms shortly ahead. It doesn’t seem peculiar to hug boys, and its not odd that I’ll be getting my permit… However it is odd how much I have changed. Or maybe it isn’t? No to me it is very odd. And its ironic for some people reading this; From their point of views they would say I am still very young, and I do not know the meaning of “old”. And this is true, I am still very young and I do have many years ahead of me.. But I already have many cherished years behind me- And I miss them. This longing for those lost years will grow as I get older, and its frightening.
Just a year ago my favorite movie was Peter Pan, because I was absolutely entranced with Neverland. A place where a body could never grow old and your grain of sand stayed in the young beautiful childlike form. I wanted to stay young forever, so I would not have to face the cruel monster called reality and responsibility. My opinions of this matter has changed, It is true I will miss being youthful and small with no responsibilities or cares.. But I would not want to stay teeny forever. I want to relive some of my most beloved kidd memories, over and over in my lifetime.. But I also would like to experience some of the benefits of being an adult (teen). This blog is going nowhere, I’m staying connected to the same idea but its hard to express myself with this matter. Its like being torn in two; You cannot enjoy the benefits of maturing while partaking of the fruits of youth. Mmm…
I remember back to the days when I was in elementary and I daydreamed what it would be like when I could finally drive… Or all the times when I was a preteen and I had to push my parents buttons to get them to take me somewhere. And now freedom of the road was only half a year away. I was excited and gloomy all at once because of this realization. Excited because I no longer would have to beg and moan to be taken somewhere, when I had keys in my pocket and a mental map (let alone cash to pay for the remarkable gas prices). However I was gloomy considering how much I have matured since the days when this feat was only something to be dreamed for, a fantasy it seemed like. But, when did I get old? Where did all the time go?
It has been years since I sat in an elementary classroom afraid of boys and their cooties, and anticipating the day when I could drive. Now I embrace those cootie infested boys multiple times a day, and the date when I am given a set of keys looms shortly ahead. It doesn’t seem peculiar to hug boys, and its not odd that I’ll be getting my permit… However it is odd how much I have changed. Or maybe it isn’t? No to me it is very odd. And its ironic for some people reading this; From their point of views they would say I am still very young, and I do not know the meaning of “old”. And this is true, I am still very young and I do have many years ahead of me.. But I already have many cherished years behind me- And I miss them. This longing for those lost years will grow as I get older, and its frightening.
Just a year ago my favorite movie was Peter Pan, because I was absolutely entranced with Neverland. A place where a body could never grow old and your grain of sand stayed in the young beautiful childlike form. I wanted to stay young forever, so I would not have to face the cruel monster called reality and responsibility. My opinions of this matter has changed, It is true I will miss being youthful and small with no responsibilities or cares.. But I would not want to stay teeny forever. I want to relive some of my most beloved kidd memories, over and over in my lifetime.. But I also would like to experience some of the benefits of being an adult (teen). This blog is going nowhere, I’m staying connected to the same idea but its hard to express myself with this matter. Its like being torn in two; You cannot enjoy the benefits of maturing while partaking of the fruits of youth. Mmm…
--Cloud Envy.
4:46 PM
1 commented
4:46 PM
1 commented
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Sympathy
I quietly cursed under my breath while quickly trying to scribble down the daily quote in my studio art class. I was hoping to finish swiftly so I could go up to the teacher and ask her some questions about next week’s art assignment, But of course I was not fast enough and a line of about seven people were before me by the time I was finished. With a sigh I turned on my heel and headed back to my seat, hoping that eventually the line would die down so that I could saunter over and have a few words with her. I pulled out my sketch book and a mechanical pencil so I could begin the weekly drawing while keeping a wary eye on the line. Minutes went by and I quickly came to a conclusion that when one person was done talking to her two more bodies were added to the line… I wouldn’t get to talk to her today. Another heavy sigh escaped my lips and I flipped my sketchbook closed, I didn’t really have the patience to draw today.
I like where I sit in my art class, I have two of my best friends sitting on either side of me and good acquaintances opposite of us three. We have good discussions and give each other a lot of beneficial feedback, which is an exceptionally good thing in an art class (because critiquing is very important in perfecting your skills and artwork). After closing my sketchbook I’d gaze over my friends sketches, inside my mind was yelling at me and condemning me to imperfect procrastinating artwork for the rest of my life because I had set my sketch aside. But my conscience was silenced when I turned to the right of me and saw his face (We will call this boy Goph for privacy and the purpose of avoiding embarrassment).
Goph had his head slumped on his arms strewn on the side of the table, his hood shadowed his face and his breathing was heavy. I crept closer so that my face was close to his, and whispered. “Are you okay?” He shuffled a bit in his seat and slightly lifted his head up so that he could be audibly heard. “No.” He grumbled, then dropped his head upon his arms once more. The corners of my lips turned down into a sort of pouting expression, and I pulled the back of his hood down so that his dark golden curls shone in the diffused light of the classroom. He groaned at this and shifted his head so that he was peering at me. Like a ninja one of my hands disappeared beneath the table and skillfully poked his side, this made him jump a little and I pulled a face at the same time. This made him smile, which resulted in me smiling. Goph hardly ever smiles, but when he does it is like rain falling upon a dry harsh dessert; Very rare but welcoming like a blessing.
After seeing him smile I took the chance and attacked him with more questions, since I had left him vulnerable. I was not being nosy, just trying to figure out what was wrong and if I could help. Quietly, like a whisper in the wind he told me his story and then once more slumped down upon the table. The story had left me distressed, and contemplative. But I sat up and gradually placed my arms around him in a comforting and affectionate hug, one of his hands had found my elbow and he squeezed it (this apparently was his show of mutual affection). I whispered some things in his ear, and he did not reply… But I did not expect him to. Shortly after the hug the bell rang to excuse us from class, and my head was filled with puzzled questions and emotional conclusions. The majority of the class was pushing out the door like ravenous wolves trying to be first to lunch, but my feet slowly shuffled along down the hall while my gaze never left Goph, my heart whispered “Please be alright.”
I like where I sit in my art class, I have two of my best friends sitting on either side of me and good acquaintances opposite of us three. We have good discussions and give each other a lot of beneficial feedback, which is an exceptionally good thing in an art class (because critiquing is very important in perfecting your skills and artwork). After closing my sketchbook I’d gaze over my friends sketches, inside my mind was yelling at me and condemning me to imperfect procrastinating artwork for the rest of my life because I had set my sketch aside. But my conscience was silenced when I turned to the right of me and saw his face (We will call this boy Goph for privacy and the purpose of avoiding embarrassment).
Goph had his head slumped on his arms strewn on the side of the table, his hood shadowed his face and his breathing was heavy. I crept closer so that my face was close to his, and whispered. “Are you okay?” He shuffled a bit in his seat and slightly lifted his head up so that he could be audibly heard. “No.” He grumbled, then dropped his head upon his arms once more. The corners of my lips turned down into a sort of pouting expression, and I pulled the back of his hood down so that his dark golden curls shone in the diffused light of the classroom. He groaned at this and shifted his head so that he was peering at me. Like a ninja one of my hands disappeared beneath the table and skillfully poked his side, this made him jump a little and I pulled a face at the same time. This made him smile, which resulted in me smiling. Goph hardly ever smiles, but when he does it is like rain falling upon a dry harsh dessert; Very rare but welcoming like a blessing.
After seeing him smile I took the chance and attacked him with more questions, since I had left him vulnerable. I was not being nosy, just trying to figure out what was wrong and if I could help. Quietly, like a whisper in the wind he told me his story and then once more slumped down upon the table. The story had left me distressed, and contemplative. But I sat up and gradually placed my arms around him in a comforting and affectionate hug, one of his hands had found my elbow and he squeezed it (this apparently was his show of mutual affection). I whispered some things in his ear, and he did not reply… But I did not expect him to. Shortly after the hug the bell rang to excuse us from class, and my head was filled with puzzled questions and emotional conclusions. The majority of the class was pushing out the door like ravenous wolves trying to be first to lunch, but my feet slowly shuffled along down the hall while my gaze never left Goph, my heart whispered “Please be alright.”
Labels: Affection, Art, Distress, friendship, high school, impatience, Love, sad, sympathy
--Cloud Envy.
10:08 AM
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10:08 AM
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Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Rain. ♥
Today, for the first time in a long time, it rained. Earlier in the morning, because of the thick walls that encased me I didn’t have the faintest idea of the weather. I wasn’t fretting over the days outfit, nor the events that would surely unfold during its course. My mind was elsewhere, it was still stuck in yesterday. Yesterday? The brief time that I was asleep, separating today from yesterday, nothing had changed my concentration on all the evils I experienced 24 hours ago. I had of course tried to recall any dreams I might have had during the night, but I had no recollection… I’m sure I did dream, but since my concentration was somewhere else, and not on the dreams, they would not come to mind. I ventured outside after I had gotten dressed and answered a few texts I’d ignored through the night. As I swung through the doorway I gasped, and half chuckled. Drips of rain instantly began to speckle my exposed face…
I love the rain, It is truly the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my entire life. Considering my age it is not very long, however I doubt I will see anything more beautiful than rain. Dark gloomy clouds engulf the sky and blot out the sun, some people find this sort of thing to be depressing… But it brings me joy. Ever since I was young I was constantly getting scolded at for standing out in the rain; That is a habit that I haven’t ever been able to grow out of. You can’t separate someone from something it loves, And I love the rain.
I am very sensitive to temperature, I can’t stand heat; It makes me very grumpy and irritable. When the rain falls and slides against my skin (cooling it) I feel calm, and comforted? It is hard to explain. And the small right before it rains, is possibly one of my favorite things about it. It smells so clean and pure. When the wind (that usually accompanies a storm) blows the branches and leaves of trees my ears seem to become larger to hear every little crackle and shake, It also causes my hair to blow and tickle at my cheeks which always makes me smile. The thunder does not scare me, it arises my curiosity and gives me a larger sense of respect towards nature and all things in it… There is a simple scientific answer as to why there is thunder, however for me it’s just a natural phenomenon to be enjoyed.
I have experienced a lot of things while in the rain, Revelations, emotions, memories. But all of the things I’ve experienced are good things, so I remember them every time it begins to rain. A rainstorm reminds me a lot of myself, it can be very calm and soothing, but it can also be unforgiving and strong. I look forward to everyday that rain paves the ground, it quenches the thirst of the plants, ultimately keeping them alive… It also quenches my thirst for life, keeping me alive.
I love the rain, It is truly the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my entire life. Considering my age it is not very long, however I doubt I will see anything more beautiful than rain. Dark gloomy clouds engulf the sky and blot out the sun, some people find this sort of thing to be depressing… But it brings me joy. Ever since I was young I was constantly getting scolded at for standing out in the rain; That is a habit that I haven’t ever been able to grow out of. You can’t separate someone from something it loves, And I love the rain.
I am very sensitive to temperature, I can’t stand heat; It makes me very grumpy and irritable. When the rain falls and slides against my skin (cooling it) I feel calm, and comforted? It is hard to explain. And the small right before it rains, is possibly one of my favorite things about it. It smells so clean and pure. When the wind (that usually accompanies a storm) blows the branches and leaves of trees my ears seem to become larger to hear every little crackle and shake, It also causes my hair to blow and tickle at my cheeks which always makes me smile. The thunder does not scare me, it arises my curiosity and gives me a larger sense of respect towards nature and all things in it… There is a simple scientific answer as to why there is thunder, however for me it’s just a natural phenomenon to be enjoyed.
I have experienced a lot of things while in the rain, Revelations, emotions, memories. But all of the things I’ve experienced are good things, so I remember them every time it begins to rain. A rainstorm reminds me a lot of myself, it can be very calm and soothing, but it can also be unforgiving and strong. I look forward to everyday that rain paves the ground, it quenches the thirst of the plants, ultimately keeping them alive… It also quenches my thirst for life, keeping me alive.
--Cloud Envy.
3:06 PM
1 commented
3:06 PM
1 commented
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Halloween :]]
Last night was Halloween, as most of you know. Most adults would see me as too old to go trick-or-treating, but they are quite mistaken. I will never grow up and therefore I will never b e too old to trick-or-treat. Now that I’ve said that; That is exactly what I did last nighttttt. Aha. The night was filled with a lot of different emotions and scenarios, so I doubt I will forget anything that happened.
The (starting) group consisted of thirteen people, thirteen! It was amazing. Never before had I ever trick-or-treated in a group larger than about four people. We startled every house we came to with our massive numbers, It made me laugh. However the large group was also a disappointment, it was hard keeping track of everybody and a half of the group was always too far ahead. We had dispersed into new neighborhoods unknown to me, and the group gradually separated into two different groups. The group I was in had five people in it. The reason the large group had split was because the other section (the one that was always ahead) had taken a road I did know, and I knew the road simply would lead them to Main Street and they’d eventually backtrack to us. I was mistaken.
Through the course of the night my group of five had wound itself so far into the uknown neighborhood that we had subconsciously become lost. My friends phone began to vibrate so she answered, it was a friend from the other group calling her. Apparently the girl who had called my friend had been separated from the larger group, and she was lost. Not until that moment had I really looked around and realized, we were just as lost as she was. It took about two hours until we finally found the girl who called and was lost. We(my group) had stumbled about for the two hours and walked about four miles… We hadn’t known where we were until we came to an intersection and Kings (a grocery store) came into view. But back to the main topic.. We had found the lost girl, and she told us her story with a heavy heart. Apparently the large group she was with had completely ditched her, and she had sat on a street corner waiting for us to find her. It made me very upset because this disgruntled little girl was one of my very best friends. With her as an addition to our group we had six, but shortly after a boy who was in the group went home so we were left back to five.
The rest of the night was remaining, and so gradually the five of us made our way back to my neighborhood (which we hadn’t pillaged yet). My hopes and head were high, of course we had lost two hours of valuable trick-or-treating time… But finding a friend was much more important than cheap candy. We had stayed out until ten o’clock , a lot of the houses we visited were surprised to see us. Mostly because it had been raining outside for an hour and we were soaked, but we had happy spirits and ignored the trickles of rain that would occasionally glide down our cheeks. I hadn’t gotten very much candy at the end of the night, only half a pillowcase… But near the end I started thinking about it and when I started the adventure I wasn’t excited for the candy. I was excited because I was going to see all my favorite people in the world that night, and on my favorite holiday. This morning my feet hurt, and I have the sniffles... But I wouldn’t have traded yesterday for anything, it was fabulous.
The (starting) group consisted of thirteen people, thirteen! It was amazing. Never before had I ever trick-or-treated in a group larger than about four people. We startled every house we came to with our massive numbers, It made me laugh. However the large group was also a disappointment, it was hard keeping track of everybody and a half of the group was always too far ahead. We had dispersed into new neighborhoods unknown to me, and the group gradually separated into two different groups. The group I was in had five people in it. The reason the large group had split was because the other section (the one that was always ahead) had taken a road I did know, and I knew the road simply would lead them to Main Street and they’d eventually backtrack to us. I was mistaken.
Through the course of the night my group of five had wound itself so far into the uknown neighborhood that we had subconsciously become lost. My friends phone began to vibrate so she answered, it was a friend from the other group calling her. Apparently the girl who had called my friend had been separated from the larger group, and she was lost. Not until that moment had I really looked around and realized, we were just as lost as she was. It took about two hours until we finally found the girl who called and was lost. We(my group) had stumbled about for the two hours and walked about four miles… We hadn’t known where we were until we came to an intersection and Kings (a grocery store) came into view. But back to the main topic.. We had found the lost girl, and she told us her story with a heavy heart. Apparently the large group she was with had completely ditched her, and she had sat on a street corner waiting for us to find her. It made me very upset because this disgruntled little girl was one of my very best friends. With her as an addition to our group we had six, but shortly after a boy who was in the group went home so we were left back to five.
The rest of the night was remaining, and so gradually the five of us made our way back to my neighborhood (which we hadn’t pillaged yet). My hopes and head were high, of course we had lost two hours of valuable trick-or-treating time… But finding a friend was much more important than cheap candy. We had stayed out until ten o’clock , a lot of the houses we visited were surprised to see us. Mostly because it had been raining outside for an hour and we were soaked, but we had happy spirits and ignored the trickles of rain that would occasionally glide down our cheeks. I hadn’t gotten very much candy at the end of the night, only half a pillowcase… But near the end I started thinking about it and when I started the adventure I wasn’t excited for the candy. I was excited because I was going to see all my favorite people in the world that night, and on my favorite holiday. This morning my feet hurt, and I have the sniffles... But I wouldn’t have traded yesterday for anything, it was fabulous.
Labels: Candy, dedication, excitement, friendship, Halloween, lost, Love, Trick-or-Treating
--Cloud Envy.
8:18 AM
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8:18 AM
0 commented