Sunday, March 1, 2009
March first, two thousand and nine.
My fingers brushed over the keys of my keyboard and a hopeless frown pulled at my lips. My eyes were closed as I typed because of the fatigue that drained my body; I just wanted to lean forward enough to where my head rested on the desk so I could sleep, however I was having to type up an explanation. An explanation. I’ve always had an explanation on hand, but I have never liked to explain myself or my actions, but this time the occasion called for it. My eyelids flickered open and I began to proofread what I had typed. There were a few grammatical errors, but while I was reading a gut wrenching question arose. Who had typed this? I had sat there for quite awhile trying to pull the excuse together, but I don’t think I had actually thought about what I was typing. The characters that were arranged in the email was typed by a stranger; it had to have been typed by a stranger. It didn’t sound like me at all. The email was addressing my English teacher about how I couldn’t continue in the Honors English class.
Lately I have been faced with a lot of things that have caused my energy and persistence to sluggishly come to a halt. The persistent war between my mother and father have always been a large force in my life, and lately the battle has become more gruesome and bloody. Since I am the (present) oldest sibling I have to be the peacemaker between the rivals as well as explain to my siblings what is going on, however I am finding it harder and harder to play peacemaker with the other events that are taking place. In five days my birthday arrives and I will be a year closer to the grave; since I am still very young it is not such a bad thing but it still brings more responsibility. The approaching date is not something to be sore about, but inside it makes me anxious because it means that I’m getting closer and closer to bigger events that will take place. Things like: driver’s license, graduation, moving out, finding a partner, etc. I shouldn’t be stressing over these occurrences because they are unavoidable but thinking about them makes me uneasy. With life comes education. I am taking a couple online courses as well as seven mandatory courses at a Junior High and so I am always busy with homework and my studies, but lately it has been excruciating trying to keep track of everything and stay on task. So I’m basically juggling my family, court, school, and future anticipations. But with all this going on my friends are starting to see a change.
Everyday I have a new comment from a different friend regarding me in general. “Are you alright? You don’t look so good,” one would say. While another would comment, “You better slow down your going to wear yourself out.” And I’m starting to think that they are right. I can do anything if I set my mind to it, but there are things like energy that I cannot control. There are only so many hours in one day and there ARE things that I cannot multitask. I don’t like the fact that I can’t be superwoman, but that doesn’t make me quit trying to be. Because of that I am wearing myself down to the bone. My brain is constantly fried and I find myself crying at different intervals of the day just because of exhaustion; of course not at school. School is a place where you go to learn, to be taught. It is not a place of main socialization and it is improper to show weakness such as crying. If I were to be caught showing any weakness my friends would jump at the opportunity to make me a center of attention, and that is something I definitely do not like and do not need.
I am a person who likes to be in control. I like to know dates, facts, times, and anything that has to do with me in precision and detail. I get a lot of negative feedback about this but I really don’t care what others think. If they want to live their life with everything everywhere and nothing in order that is their decision and I shouldn’t be commenting on the way that they live their life, however I am not going to live mine like theirs. I wish that there were more hours in a day so I could get everything done, but there isn’t and there is no way that I can bend time and space to fit my needs. So now I am not slowing down, or dropping out. I am going to accomplish everything I set out to do even if it means tiring myself out every single day.
The above is the personality I know, the above is the person I am. I am confident and strong, not weak and pathetic. While I was typing that email to my teacher the whole paragraph said ‘FEEBLE AND NO GOOD.’ So when I was done fixing the grammatical errors in my paragraph, and after I had read the whole thing over quite a few times my index finger found the backspace key and I deleted the entire thing. Then after that I opened up word and began to type this blog, because I am not going to quit.
Lately I have been faced with a lot of things that have caused my energy and persistence to sluggishly come to a halt. The persistent war between my mother and father have always been a large force in my life, and lately the battle has become more gruesome and bloody. Since I am the (present) oldest sibling I have to be the peacemaker between the rivals as well as explain to my siblings what is going on, however I am finding it harder and harder to play peacemaker with the other events that are taking place. In five days my birthday arrives and I will be a year closer to the grave; since I am still very young it is not such a bad thing but it still brings more responsibility. The approaching date is not something to be sore about, but inside it makes me anxious because it means that I’m getting closer and closer to bigger events that will take place. Things like: driver’s license, graduation, moving out, finding a partner, etc. I shouldn’t be stressing over these occurrences because they are unavoidable but thinking about them makes me uneasy. With life comes education. I am taking a couple online courses as well as seven mandatory courses at a Junior High and so I am always busy with homework and my studies, but lately it has been excruciating trying to keep track of everything and stay on task. So I’m basically juggling my family, court, school, and future anticipations. But with all this going on my friends are starting to see a change.
Everyday I have a new comment from a different friend regarding me in general. “Are you alright? You don’t look so good,” one would say. While another would comment, “You better slow down your going to wear yourself out.” And I’m starting to think that they are right. I can do anything if I set my mind to it, but there are things like energy that I cannot control. There are only so many hours in one day and there ARE things that I cannot multitask. I don’t like the fact that I can’t be superwoman, but that doesn’t make me quit trying to be. Because of that I am wearing myself down to the bone. My brain is constantly fried and I find myself crying at different intervals of the day just because of exhaustion; of course not at school. School is a place where you go to learn, to be taught. It is not a place of main socialization and it is improper to show weakness such as crying. If I were to be caught showing any weakness my friends would jump at the opportunity to make me a center of attention, and that is something I definitely do not like and do not need.
I am a person who likes to be in control. I like to know dates, facts, times, and anything that has to do with me in precision and detail. I get a lot of negative feedback about this but I really don’t care what others think. If they want to live their life with everything everywhere and nothing in order that is their decision and I shouldn’t be commenting on the way that they live their life, however I am not going to live mine like theirs. I wish that there were more hours in a day so I could get everything done, but there isn’t and there is no way that I can bend time and space to fit my needs. So now I am not slowing down, or dropping out. I am going to accomplish everything I set out to do even if it means tiring myself out every single day.
The above is the personality I know, the above is the person I am. I am confident and strong, not weak and pathetic. While I was typing that email to my teacher the whole paragraph said ‘FEEBLE AND NO GOOD.’ So when I was done fixing the grammatical errors in my paragraph, and after I had read the whole thing over quite a few times my index finger found the backspace key and I deleted the entire thing. Then after that I opened up word and began to type this blog, because I am not going to quit.
--Cloud Envy.
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